Dear Donna, I miss you....

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mother in law's journey home to heaven. The weeks after she left were filled with cleaning and selling her home and lots of details. It was stressful and exhausting and I did not allow myself the time to grieve. The year kept flying by with getting the boys into school, all of the Senior Year activities, prepping for college and getting back to work and a "normal" routine.

I don't think I have fully processed it yet, it was only nine months after my dad went home. I was focused on the to do lists. I'm sure it will eventually catch up with me. That's the one thing I have learned, grief is a nasty, sneaky beast.

 What I do know is I miss her and I still can not believe she is gone. Donna was a tiny person in stature but she had a BIG presence. Everyone who knew her loved her and she loved everyone that much more. That was who she was; a kind, giving soul.

Dear Donna,

I miss you. I miss your smile, your laugh, your big hugs, your love for Christopher and our boys. I miss your treats. You always had treats. You displayed Little Debbies in your kitchen and tucked them in your purse. Garret's favorite were the ginger bread men. Bryce and Drew loved the special Valentine's and Easter Dunkin Donuts you delivered each holiday.

I miss the thoughtful way you gave gifts, especially at Christmas. One of your greatest joys was gift giving and you always gave the most perfect gifts. I miss your dressing, it was the best and I can not duplicate it. I miss your chocolate pie and deviled eggs. I'm trying my best to perfect the chocolate pie, but it will never be as good as yours. Thank you for passing along the recipe, it's a treasure because we have it in your handwriting. I miss seeing you around all of the holidays in your holiday shirts and accessories.

While I miss all of these things I am also remembering. I remember how we were caught in a huge rainstorm in Orlando on our Disney trip and we laughed all the way running to the car. It's was the only time I ever saw your hair flat. I remember you on the big swing ride at the Delta Fair. You were laughing and dangling your feet as you and Garret flew through the air. I remember your red finger nails and toenails and your black Lexus, you loved that car and looked so cute driving it.

I remember the last things you said to the boys. You told Garret to do well in school and sports and do to it all for Jesus, you told Drew to focus on school and to not worry about the ladies, and you told Bryce to go to a good college and make his Mimi proud.

Most of all I want to thank you for the gift of you son, Christopher. He is truly our rock and the boys and I adore him. You raised him to be loyal, hard working and God fearing. He daily leads our family and we navigate life together as a team. I know how much you loved him. Please know we love him fiercely and he's doing well. He misses you but he knows where you are and he will see you again.

So for now, I picture you sitting on a big fluffy cloud, dangling feet with your red painted toenails, clapping your hands and smiling as you look down at us and see us moving forward one day at a time. We love you always.

Grace and Peace,
Misty

An open letter to me when I was 19....

Recently, my best friend sent two pics of me she found in a random box from our college days. From the fashion and hair I'm dating them in early 1990's. Oh the things I wish I could tell the innocent 19 and 20 year old me, things that still apply to today's college students.

Yes I know today's world is much different than it was when I was in college.The hair and the jewelry are not as big and the world is digital and instant.  But the basics are still the same. So, what would the "mom me" tell the "college freshman me" with 27 years of perspective?

1. Trust your gut, if the situation doesn't feel right, walk away, and walk away quickly. Things can change in an instant, do not be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

2. Always have a friend or two you can trust. If you have one friend you can trust, keep that friend. Go to a party with that friend and leave with that friend. Never leave anyone behind. Make a pact and keep it. Do not ever leave anyone behind no matter what they say. Make a plan at the beginning of the night and stick with it.

Trust me on this one, do not leave your friends behind no matter who they are with or what they say. Stick with the plan. If you don't things will happen that you can not explain but you also will never forget.

3. Do not leave your drink unattended- ever. Hold it at all times and if it is out of your sight then just get a new one. It's that simple, the risk is not worth the potential consequences. If money is the problem your one true friend will always understand and I promise your mom will too, just talk to her.

4. Remember you are a work in progress, the freedom is great but you are just beginning. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are learning. Never forget who you and whose you are. Stay in touch with the people who have always believed in you and hold to tight to what you believe.

As my first born son heads to college in a few weeks I hope he remembers these four things. They are simple and basic and my years put them in crystal clear perspective.

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

Grace and Peace, 
Misty 

When you are "fatherless", Father's Day is tough....

I'm a fatherless daughter. The reality of that hit me smack in the face early in the morning of November 18, 2015, it was less than 24 hours after I turned 45. My baby brother called me while he walked in the rehab facility where my dad was and we both heard the nurse say he was gone.  God called my dad home in the early morning hours afters after my birthday.

Thanks to my little brother, my dad called me that morning. He greeted me with all the energy he could surmise and he said, as he did for every birthday I can remember, "Happy Birthday Tina Marie!" Those were the last words I would hear from him and I'm grateful I heard them.

So, Father's Day, the week leading up to Father's Day, the card aisle at Walgreens, the TV commercials, I hate them. To put it bluntly, they suck. Father's Day is tough and I know I am not alone.

Some of you don't know your dad at all. Others have a toxic relationship with your dad. Maybe you feel abandoned that he left when you were young. Some are experiencing their first Father's Day as a "fatherless" daughter or son. Maybe it's the 10th Father's Day you are spending without your dad. Or, perhaps you haven't talked to your dad for years for reasons you can't even remember. It all adds up to the fact that it's a lonely day, a sad day, and a day to endure.

This is my second "fatherless" Father's Day and it's not as painful as last year. I don't know why. As I have said before, grief is a nasty beast. You never know when it will attack. Last year, I could not walk down the card aisle at Walgreens; it literally knocked the breath right out of me. This year has not been as bad. Thursday was hard, I was "out of sorts." You know the feeling, nothing seems right. Then I remembered it was the Father's Day week, and nothing would ever feel "normal" again. After a loss, you are different.

I have remembered a lot today. He did everything BIG, he was bigger than life. I remember his smile, his laugh, his love for his children and grandchildren, his love for his mom and brothers and sisters, his love of good food and a cold drink. But mostly God has reminded me that he is my Father. He was my first Father and my forever Father. He will never leave or forsake me. I love this Bible verse, it's a great reminder.

God will never leave you, abandon you or forsake you. He is the greatest

Father you could ever have. If you too are feeling lonely today, I encourage you to talk to your Father. He is waiting. He is there. All you have to do is say hello, He knows your voice. He knows your pain, He will heal your broken heart.

Happy Father's Day in heaven Pops. You will forever live in our home and in our hearts. I can not imagine the celebration you are having with your heavenly Father and your dad today. Thank you for loving us BIG!!!!

#luvlivebig

Grace and Peace, 

Misty

It's been a year, perspective

Dear Dad,

It's been a year, 365 days since you left us and went home. I've dreaded this day for an entire year and now it is here.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was I made it through an entire year without you and survived. I haven't fallen apart yet, I'm smiling and laughing and remembering you today on this beautiful fall day. I might fall apart later. That's the thing about grief. It's sneaky and it's a nasty beast. Some days it feels like a blanket wrapping itself all around me and some times it feels like a deep dark hole.

We all survived loosing you, our family's biggest supporter, and strong hold. It wasn't just the loss of you it was the loss of things we thought were true and real, the loss of your big presence in our daily lives, the loss of the best Pops there ever was, the loss of your warm chuckle, and your love for good food and adventures. It was a big loss because you were a big person in all of our lives.

I guess you already know but I wanted to update you on the boys. Bryce, he's coming into his own. He's matured a lot this last year. I didn't realize it but he chose a few of your prints from the office and they are hanging in his room. Remember that Allen Hughes duck print you had forever, from the 80's? It's hanging above his bed and the Tinman 1 license plate; it's been in his car for a year. He has your favorite Cubs hat too, it went with us to game two of the World Series and he wore it the entire journey.

Drew, made another hole in one. Remember you called him Ace? He loved that nickname. He's funny and quirky and navigating his way through high school. Garret, plays every sport game for you. He told me he talks to you before every game and  he knows you are watching him.

We may never understand why you left us the way you did or when you did. I won't dwell on all of the heartbreaking, crazy things that happened this year. I will be joyful that I came out of this year stronger than I was before and more determined to live each day big. Speaking of living and loving big, I've been doing it in your honor all year. Did you see how much I loved the beauty of Ireland and soaked up the Cubs World Series victory? I know you did, I felt your presence with me.

Thank you Pops for always loving us and for giving of yourself to us daily. Thank you for never saying a bad word about anyone and letting us form our own opinions that you knew would stick more than your words ever would.

Keep our Mimi company up there for us. We will keep on keeping on, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other down here. #luvlivebig

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Grace and Peace,
Misty

The Cubs are more than just a baseball team

The Chicago Cubs are often referred to as the lovable losers. They had not won a World Series in 108 years and a national league pennant in 71 years until the recent win this year. My family has been Cubs fan ever since I can remember. My dad was their biggest fan. He instilled a love in the Cubbies at an early age and passed down the passion to his five grand kids.

He took us to Chicago as often as he could and when the grand kids came along, we all went together. Most games they didn't win, we didn't care. We sat in Wrigley Field eating our popcorn and cracker jacks and cheered them on together as a family. My dad said he loved Wrigley because it was one of the last old school ball parks; you could just smell the peanuts and hot dogs and enjoy a ball game. He ran away from his home in Kentucky when he was 15 years old and ended up in Chicago selling magazine subscriptions door to door until his father finally found him. Chicago was where he wanted to be, and even at the age of 15 he found a way of getting what he wanted. He went to his first Cubs game and he was hooked.

My oldest son went when he was three. My dad drove us both to Chicago. We rode the Ferris wheel at the Navy Pier and took the L train to Wrigley Field. This was also my first game. I was a ballerina girl, never really interested in ball games. But having my first son changed me and I'm glad I went. I too was hooked; Cubs fan for life.

My dad took my brother for a play off game in 2003 and although they lost, they made a great memory.

My sister and her family have been several times and my niece and nephew are also loyal Cubs fans.

When Chris and I married, we took a trip to Chicago to celebrate Tony's bday and we have taken the boys several times to cheer for our Cubs. 

So, when they made it to the World Series this year we had to go. Bryce and I got in the car and drove over 1500 miles in 48 hours to Cleveland to see game two. It was the road trip of a lifetime in memory of my dad and we talked about him throughout the journey. It was amazing to see them win but it was even better to spend that time with my oldest son.

It was more than a trip to the World Series because being a Cubs fan is more than just watching baseball. Win or loose they made it and we will always root, root, root for the Cubbies! #flythew

Pops guided us the entire journey, that's his favorite hat on the dashboard. 

"Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience," Colossians 1:11

Grace and Peace, 

Misty 

A note to my son on his 18th birthday

My first born, the baby boy who made me a mom first, came into this world 18 years ago today.  My life forever changed that day and it has been a journey filled with equal amounts of joy and heartbreak, tears, celebrations, and an abundance of love. I learned as I went with him, since he was my first and we evolved together.

He learned a lot of life's tough lessons early and I know there are still many to learn. As he moves through the next stage of his life, I hope he remembers a few things I've taught him along the way....

1. Always put God first, always. There are no short cuts on this one.
2. Trust your "inner voice" your gut, that's God whispering to you, listen.
3.  Right is right and wrong is wrong, there are no grey areas. If in your gut, you know it is wrong, do not do it. It is that simple.
4. Respect women always, open doors, pull out her chair, take time to truly listen to her. Treat her like the gift she is.
5. Be joyful, grateful, and humble. Life is full of daily miracles, notice them.
6. You do not need a group of many friends, you need a couple of true friends. When you find them, hold onto them,
7. Remember those life lessons you learned early? Don't forget them, don't repeat them. Learn from them and move forward.
8. Work hard now for the next five years. If you work hard your Senior year and all through college you will be able to play the rest of your life. You will be set up to succeed. If you play the next five years, you will work the rest of your life. The choice is yours, choose wisely.
9. When in doubt, open your bible.  You will find the answers.
10. I am always here for you. No problem is too big, no worry is too small.

Bryce, I truly believe the best is yet to come in your life. God has a plan and it's amazing to watch it unfold. It's been a joy to walk with you the last 18 years. Happy Birthday, today is your day. I hope you celebrate, dance, sing and are joyful today and every day. I love you to heaven and back.

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6


Grace and Peace,
Mom

Everyone has a story to tell, sometimes you simply have to just be silent to hear them

I love to travel, to see new things and meet new people. But mostly I love to travel to learn new stories. We all have a story to tell. Some of us deliver our stories in a whisper, through our actions and others, well you just know it because they deliver them in a louder way. Our stories make us who we are, tell where we have been and give others a glimpse on where we are going. Sometimes people will share their stories with you instantly and sometimes it takes time but often you just have to be silent long enough to truly hear them.

All of them have similar themes of hope, celebrations, love, sorrow and loss and what you find out along the way is that our stories have things in common. We all overcome obstacles, experience heartbreak and face losses in this life.

During my recent trip to Ireland I met John. John was playing the flute overlooking the Coumeenole beach in Dingle Co Ireland. His music was beautiful and in the perfect setting.

 I talked to him for a few minutes, bought a CD and asked his name. I thanked him for the beautiful music and asked if I could take a picture.

It was funny, the first picture was quick.

 The, he said let me hug you and take another.

Well the hug was a little too tight but it made me giggle and now John is a part of my Ireland vacation story and I play his CD often and remember the beautiful scenery along coastal Ireland.

Then a little further down the coast, I met Charlotte. Charlotte was a precious toddler. Her dad was the caretaker of the beehive huts which are dwellings dating back to the 12th century. We waved, she gave me a high five and told me bye. It was a brief interaction but she touched my heart. She was a beautiful little girl in a gorgeous setting along the Dingle Peninsula.

If we slow down and look around, we see stories everywhere. "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for which such sacrifices God is pleased." Hebrews 13:16.

Grace and Peace,
Misty